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| CONTACT US: Mike Fred Jen Rock Be-Be Matt Lucky |
Kids are too funny.A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR USUAL PARK BENCH
SEAT. ONE MORNING. THE 87 YEAR OLD HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND
WASN'T EVEN SHORT OF BREATH.
THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS FRIEND'S STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY. THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY DAY. IT KEEPS YOUR ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES." SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE BAKERY. AS HE WAS LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP. HE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?" SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?" HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES." SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES. DON'T YOU THINK BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE 5TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?' HE REPLIED, "HOLY SHIT, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS ITALIAN BREAD THING BUT ME !!
Only at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epson Salt. (Aisle 8) An! d avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks... ...Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. ...Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart |
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