A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies...
"Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
A St. Louis family of Cardinals fans heads out to shop for the youngest boy's
birthday. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Cubs
jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a
Cubs fan & I would like this Chicago Cubs jersey for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his
head and says, "Go talk to Mother!"
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Cubs fan and would like this
jersey for my birthday."
The mother, outraged at this, promptly whacks him and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Cubs jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I'm going to be a Cubs fan and want this jersey for my
birthday."
The father then proceeds to whack his son in the back of his head and
says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
Back in the car and heading home, the father turns to his son and says
"I hope you've learned something today."
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good, son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Cubs fan for an hour, and I
already hate you Cardinal bastards."
Jesus was Sicilian because:
He lived at home till he was 30;
He liked to hang out with the guys;
His mother thought he was God;
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"
The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
look alike?"
"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."
An elderly businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what do you want me to do with your ashes?" asked the friend.
The businessman continued, "Just put them in an
envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue
Service... and write on the envelope, 'Now you have
everything.'"
Gotta Love Little Boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight,"the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used? The boy replied, not exactly, but
they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men...
GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and
he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Alabama".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Alabama?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Top ten cowboy phrases that will never sound the same after that damned cowboy movie: Brokeback Mountain................
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead."
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride 'em cowboy!"
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Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian,
she was still a virgin.
So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a
good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs.
He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs
to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got
hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot
he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta."
An Irishman's Philosophy
There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick
If you are well
there is nothing to worry about
But if you are sick
there are only two things to worry about
either you will get well or you will die
If you get well
there is nothing to worry about
but if you die
there are only two things to worry about
Either you will go to heaven or hell
If you go to heaven
there is nothing to worry about
But if you go to hell
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
you won't have time to worry!
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't have to be a mother to enjoy this one.........
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious
of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made
her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between
Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his moms thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle
by now.
Love, Mom
MORAL OF THE STORY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
A guy is 77 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and could not see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you have ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols".
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